First Controversial Discussion - Bullying

I don't like bullying.  Who does?  Never the person on the receiving end, never the people who witness it, the bully themselves possibly but I don't think it is their actions making them happy it is the sense of power and control in the situation that makes them feel better about themselves.
I am a huge fan of Single Dad Laughing's posts and discussions about bullying.  I have seen and read a number of things from people who are far better at explaining ways to defuse these situations in schools then I can explain.

But, in saying all that, I'm going to stir the pot a bit.  A good ole day reference when bullying actually was something that was considered character building.  There are numerous success stories that came from being told they couldn't or they weren't good enough to make the cut etc. It is a form of bullying in that not everyone wins.  If you want it work for it etc.  We complain that there is too much of a sense of entitlement with kids and yet every time you look at the news there are more and more complaints about bullying in schools and the drastic things kids aren't allowed to do.

I guess my point is you are raising kids the best you know how.  When your child comes to you with something very outside the norm that they want to do and you know in your heart of hearts it is going to get them flack because they are being so unique. Do you counsel them that what they may do may be received by other kids badly because they are being "different" and not molding themselves like the rest of the pack and that they may very well become the target? Or do you ignorantly allow them to be what they are and not prepare them for the potential consequences?  Why would you do that to a kid?  I guess my comments is coming from the People Magazine story going viral on FB right now and the school districts comments in that the child's backpack was a trigger and should be left at home.  Seriously, as a mom when my kids have had their wacky ideas (and trust me there have been some that are out there) I've talked to them about when they share this with other children it may very well not be well received and could have a very negative outcome and are they prepared for it? 

Trust me I'm not saying this is a bad mother, far from it.  I think the school could have handled it much better, but they do have a point.  He went against the norm expected of his gender and his age and the kids were uncomfortable and that's what we do when something makes us uncomfortable isn't it?  Even as adults we do it.  Look at half the editorials and political commentary and the battles that media journalists do about their position.  They go so far as to edit film to support their position and take things out of context and they all call names.  The adults bully worse than the kids but this is okay because nightly on the news broadcasts we see it, we witness it every day in the papers, there are memes out there basically ridiculing everything and everyone and that's okay because we are all adults.  But guess what?  The kids see it.  They are patterning themselves after us, we are the teachers and if its OK for us then clearly it is OK for them isn't it?  Makes you stop and wonder.
 
The school has a point albeit a poorly worded way of delivery and should never have been said in front of the child if it was.  I'm not sure quite how that all came about.  They have handled it wrong and now they are glaringly being ridiculed in the media (another form of bullying folks). So when is bullying OK?  If it’s not okay then why are we doing it as adults to each other?  Where does the line get drawn?  It really is one of those catch 22 types of things where it’s damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I've always taken the position of I can control me, I can't control you.  So it is always what I'm teaching my kids.  When the incidents of bullying have happened I've told them you can let them have the power to hurt you or you can stand up for yourself and other potential victims or (and only in cases where it is strictly verbal) if you can take the verbal comments and let it go ignore them.  They won't get any satisfaction when you don't respond and will stop or move onto someone else.
 
We also always talk about what the bully is like?  Are they a kid that seems to have problems as well because oftentimes especially in young children the bullies are someone who is being victimized as well probably outside of school and their way of feeling a sense of control is to bully someone.  You practice what you learn.  I was approached as an adult by my school day bully and was apologized to.  The reasoning was in a nutshell that she resented that even though we both were in a poor neighborhood I seemed to have more, and her circumstances and home life were less than what I had and she resented what I represented which was what she wanted.  That's why I became her target.  She didn't know I had my own demons that what she reflected onto me was an illusion. My life wasn't perfect I didn't have the perfect childhood or family.  I hated what I went through at the time, but all the torment in school just fueled me to become more than the box they were trying to put me in.  It fueled my ambition to succeed and being excellent in my work and my dealings.  For all the negatives it threw into my path, thanks to my mother always using the phrase when life gives you lemons make lemonade.  I have spent a good deal of my life taking the negatives thrown my way or self-imposed and making them positives.  But I didn't ask people to change, I changed how I approached and handled things.  I've learned through hard lessons to use my words wisely to be careful how those words are going to be received.  I don't intentionally want to inflict unwanted pain on an innocent person because I'm frustrated or disappointed by something else. 

Is it a perfect solution, no.  But it also reminds me of a boy, that boy would tell my son to give up and go home you aren't good enough at said sport and my son almost caved and did.  That led to a very heated conversation in the car after a particularly bad episode and I said, "Well are you going to let him win or are you going to work harder and prove you have just as much right to be there as anyone else?"  Off season he worked his butt off preparing and improving for the next season he was relentless day in and day out to "prove" he was worthy to be there.  He improved so much his coach called me aside and personally asked what had happened to make the change.  So do I hate the bully, no.  My son learned a lesson in earning his spot.  He came back so strong that the bully didn't have anything he could say even though he tried.    My son proved something not just to the bully but to himself and in subsequent conversations he's learned to have a sense of gratitude towards the bully because in its way it’s made him a better person. 

So are we being too hard lined on the concept of bullying?  Are there times it is acceptable because it challenges us to rise above mediocrity to something better than before?  Are we blurring the lines and saying anything disagreeable is bullying?  What will happen to potentially great people if they are not given some aha moment that crystallizes them to take action? We complain that kids have it too easy I hear it a lot but there is going to have to be some as I hate the term "manning up" happening and things are going to have to be challenging and they need to be challenged if they are going to be pushed to being what we see as their potential.  If they can't take some bullying from peers now, what is going to happen if they join the military and go to basic training?  My brother and probably most vets and servicemen will tell you their basic training drill Sargent is meaner than any person they ever encountered his job is to demoralize you and see what you are made of under pressure, they use tactics that turn men who thought they were strong into jello and then they bring them back to the soldiers we trust to serve and protect.  I agree when it crosses to physical abuse it needs to be addressed and stopped and I agree that if it is doing psychological damage to the point of making someone suicidal intervention needs to happen fast and the victim needs all the support they can get.  In the FB viral case the young man was being physically tormented by other students.  It went past verbal.  The school has handled it wrong.  But I have to wonder if there isn't more blame than just the school that should be doled out.  The kids doing it yes.  The parents not being realistic and realizing the potential backlash coming from other kids, which may very well have started because a parent viewed it as wrong and said so in front of their child.  We only know what the media presents and only certain sides as in anything there is more than one way to look at it. 

 
I will reiterate in closing this post which I have sat on for awhile that I don't like bullying. As a parent when it is my children on the receiving end it hurts.  What the bully does hurts more than just a child it hurts a family.  It hurts the parents and siblings of the child being tormented.  It isn't right or fair and I don't always blame parents for a child's behavior a lot of times they are patterning after what they've seen; other times it is that first foray into being independent and making stupid mistakes; even other times it is because they are jealous of what someone else has and yet they've been unwilling to commit to a level of work to earn it and they make assumptions about how the other person won the coveted prize and find themselves feeling more deserving.  There are so many scenarios that can trigger this action in children.  It is up to the adults to behave different, treat each other different, approach things differently.  Children pattern themselves after heroes, parents, older siblings and people they admire and look up to.  We all have a role in showing by example how to be in this world and the adults need to step up and realize that they are leaders, all of us, it isn't just an elected position.  We all lead in our capacity of our roles in this world.  We have children watching and learning from our actions and interactions it is important to stop the adult bullying and being realistic that children need to learn to lose gracefully.  Loss will be there, hardships will be there; it is how we respond that sets us apart.  It's how we teach our kids that stops this cycle and puts it back where it should be.

The Resume' Writing Begins

Kids did my job today. It has given me a chance for the first time in a very long time to really sit back and contemplate my former, present and future work life. I have a direction and an idea of what I want myself to look like on paper.

People think this is a small thing but it isn't a resume is that few minute look that tells someone who has never met you that you are worth a second, third, fourth look and a meeting. It tells them to put you in the next pass file instead of the don't bother pile. So it has always been important to me to have the kind of time to think about what all that means before I start committing words to paper. Because once I have that figured out the words actually are pretty easy.

I'm not sure many people consider that aspect when writing a resume'.  Format and form is one thing but really a resume' is a piece of marketing material.  You are marketing yourself for a job.  How well you come up with a marketing strategy attracts customers (aka employers) to find out more about you.  If you think of it this way then everyone on the planet has experience in marketing and selling (the interview) because this is something we will do a few times in our lives.  It isn't just once in awhile.

I think it is important for me to use this process this way because there are so many days when self-doubt and a crisis in confidence happen that by looking at it in this way I'm able to see my value, realize what I have contributed and it is all positive and it isn't lying.  There is so much I've done with my life both on the job and off and so often we get caught up in the minutia of petty details that are irrelevant to what is important and how important our role is in things that we forget to celebrate what we've done. 

So whether you are looking for a job or not.  Whether you think it is relevant or not when you put yourself in this process which we all should do at least once a year it reminds us that no matter how much life is beating us up and it seems like we are on the shitty end of the stick that we have value, we have something to contribute and that even when we think the world isn't recognizing it we can take time out to celebrate that for ourselves.  It does a lot to change your mindset and make you realize that even if everyone else thinks things are stagnant and that you are rotting in your humdrum life you really aren't. 

Stay at home parents, people who left work to care for family either children or parents or both, people who went to part time to go back to school or because of some other need you have and continue to gain skills.  Maybe these aren't the skills you think of when going through your day but they are employable skills. Things like organizational abilities seriously be a parent in charge of a household, you know who has the master schedule for all the activities, appointments and spouses world events and travel itineraries.  They are the ones that can managed to clean, cook, run all day and maintain an environment that the seemingly impossible is always done and most of the time smiling about it.  They take pride in not only being efficient and seemingly in 12 places at once but when they can come in under budget it is cause for celebration and usually with a treat attached! I was trained as an accountant, in that world the debit was always the debit and a credit was always the credit, the rules really never changed.  Money is the result of business, it isn't the business, the business is what you market.  The finances are the result of marketing. 

So we all have worth and importance.  Just like I tell my children there is no such thing as a dumb person.  No one is unmarketable, you just need to have the time to sit down and say what is it in tangible terms that I can do.  What have I been doing in the past that requires the same skillset, just under a different job title.  When you look at the elements of living and relate them to a job you will be surprised at how many actual real skills you have that can change not only the opportunities you can reach for but how you perceive your own self worth.

That elusive thing called time that is so precious but so needed to slow down for now and then I got today.  Today I got the time to sit without interruption for enough minutes that I could realize I have so much to celebrate about my career in the past, career in the present and excited to get going on the future.  That and my house is clean and I didn't have to be the one doing it.  My delegation skills worked like a charm!!! Hope you find this inspiring or helpful.

Until next time

Seeing beyond your sight

I've been in a pensive kind of mood lately.  There are some recurring themes that keep happening over and over again polarized conversations (these usual are political), forgiveness and understanding(usually religion and human rights).

I relate things through stories.  My sons are 21 months apart in age.  When they were about 5 and 7 I took them to Corning Museum of Glass in Corning, NY.  It was a great experience, they went to a walk in workshop there and created these beautiful glass pieces I still have today.  They still remember that trip fondly. 

After the visit to the museum, we went into Corning itself and found a museum with photographs from Ansel Adams.  This is one of my brother's all time favorite photographers because of how he captured nature in black and white film. It was a pretty big selection from the Kodak collection and was on loan at the time we went.  We got to see some beautiful photos that filled a 3 story museum.  On the top floor was this gallery and it had benches in the middle and the whole long room was a series of one image after another.  The boys being as young as they were, were getting antsy.  I said one last game for mommy then we can go.  I asked them to be as quiet as they could and walk around the gallery and really look at the pictures and then to come back and get me and take me to the one they liked the best and the one they liked the least.  When we arrived at their favorites I asked them why it was their favorite.  I did the same thing with the one they liked the least.  The docent that was working and another patron both stopped and told me how impressed they were with what I did with my children.   What is striking about the story is that one of the photographs was of this view looking up into this tall pine and it was snowy or snowing.  But my youngest said it made him feel happy like he was soaring.  My oldest son had a different picture and it made him happy because of the power that nature held and he got to be part of it.  Today the youngest is very artistic and the elder of the 2 is very into skiing and nature and being in the midst of all that power.  It strikes me as they age how telling those early years were and the things that we did together and the exposure to art and literature and theater that I made sure they had at least a healthy introduction to. How their impressions then at such a young age are still reflecting in their interests as they age.

Why is it relevant? Well growing up I was told that with art we won't always like it.  We may not even agree with what the artist intended.  But we had to appreciate the courage, audacity, and sheer guts that the artist had in putting it up for public scrutiny or praise.  It is like giving away a child when an artist puts works on display or up for sale.  That they share their gift with us is the thing we need to really take away from it.  Not just whether we like it or not but that we can appreciate what they intended when they created the piece. A piece of them goes into it and that is something they freely give to the rest of us.  It is a gift to be valued not stomped on or treated lightly.  So I've looked at art in how it moves me and what a real gift that the artist wanted to share with the rest of us. I don't necessarily agree with all the art I view.  I don't necessarily like it all.  It has to speak to me in a way that provokes my thinking, it needs to be symbolic to me in some way for me to want to buy it. It's all in perspective and that is very personal. But I can usually find something in an artists collection that speaks to me in very positive ways, I guess its that always looking for the 1/2 full thing.

This ties to the next theme of sorts.  If you stand two people in front of a scene any scene could be a window display in NYC at Christmastime.  Could be looking out from a point on a hill to a scenic view below.  Could be a crime scene.  Doesn't matter.  Put two people side by side and they will see different things in the same scene.  They will see some of the same things but they will see different things as well.  It's how I feel about politics.  We are taking things out of context too much.  We are seeing the same thing but we see it differently.  If I don't see what you do, does that mean I don't see anything?  If you don't see what I do, does it mean we aren't looking at the same scene?  No it means we are looking and seeing what is relevant to us in that scene.  But does it give me or you the right to claim that we see it wrong?  This is where I get upset with today's political conversations.  We are all looking at the same thing and seeing it differently and yet we are told by one group or another we are wrong.  This is where respecting someone's perspective is so important.  Because when you are this polarized you need to stop amplifying the differences so much and find the common ground and then from there fairly and honestly look at what the other person is seeing and try to understand.  When you do this the picture takes on much more dimension and life and there is much more fulfillment for both people.  My theory on what is going lately is that people just want to be right.  They want to feel validated for their position.  Therefore, everyone else must be wrong.  We've lost the ability to respect that they focused on the ground more and I focused on the sky and we both missed details the other sees.

So when you hear phrases like "Stop and smell the roses"  "It's not about the destination its about the journey" "Put yourself in my shoes" all this implies is that you need to keep an open mind and be willing to try and understand the other persons point of view.  With respect.  When we start giving respect to others we will start receiving it in return.  Then maybe we can really solve the problems we are facing today. Just something to think about.

Welcome! Let me start simply.

I am at midlife sort of (I will deny it till I'm in my dotage which may be next week).  My friends say I have an interesting point of view and I love being able to have discussions and learn things from others.  More and more as the news floods our homes with disturbing images, as politics gets more polarizing and people seem to forget how hard the "good ole days" really could be.  I find myself thinking about a lot of things and  some days feeling very alone in my thoughts. 

I had a very successful career in business I have worked countless hours and multiple jobs at a time.  I worked and earned the successes I had and the failures too.  I left all that when I became a mom with full intentions of getting back to it but then child #2 came along just about the time I should have returned and that sort of squashed that idea.  Life has this way of changing your plans though.  My brother died suddenly when my child was 6 weeks old, my mother had been battling Parkinson's Disease and when she lost one of her babies she gave up fighting the illness and her health declined rather rapidly and I found myself caring for her and 2 small children and any ideas of returning to the frenetic pace of the business world evaporated.

Fast forward a decade, my kids are now teenagers, my mother has passed away and life has just been marching on but the world is now changing in ways and I find myself back to musing about various things happening in the world.  I had set up this blog a number of years ago and never activated it intending fully to document my adventures into how you transition from one stage of life to another.  How you confront leaving the workforce and reentering.  The successes and failures that come with it.  To talk about how aging really does suck when you can't just eat ritz crackers and peanut butter for a week and fit into those pants again.  Inviting friends to post as guests ideas that I feel are interesting enough to share. I have a friend that is a wonderful at writing satire and hoping she'll contribute on occasion. Throwing my "brand" of thinking and conversing to the blog world as I start the next phase.  Well that was the idea and its taken a few years but now I'm ready to get on with it.

What you can expect here.  Probably a little of everything.  Right now I'm in this mode of repositioning myself so who knows what I will feel like writing about or sharing.  I'm at the age where I want to explore thoughts and ideas and not necessarily be limited and while writing this I may and probably will discuss what is relevant to me in the moment so it could be a business topic, my kids, something in the news that I find myself questioning the extremeness of, etc. Or I see something really cool I want to share. I will try and leave the crafty side of my life out of it unless somehow it relates here.

I'm hoping that maybe something I write will inspire, amuse or make you think.  I will give this a go for awhile and we'll see what happens. I guess that's enough of an intro.  See you with the next post.