I am a huge fan of Single Dad Laughing's posts and discussions about bullying. I have seen and read a number of things from people who are far better at explaining ways to defuse these situations in schools then I can explain.
But, in saying all that, I'm going to stir the pot a bit. A good ole day reference when bullying actually was something that was considered character building. There are numerous success stories that came from being told they couldn't or they weren't good enough to make the cut etc. It is a form of bullying in that not everyone wins. If you want it work for it etc. We complain that there is too much of a sense of entitlement with kids and yet every time you look at the news there are more and more complaints about bullying in schools and the drastic things kids aren't allowed to do.
I guess my point is you are raising kids the best you know how. When your child comes to you with something very outside the norm that they want to do and you know in your heart of hearts it is going to get them flack because they are being so unique. Do you counsel them that what they may do may be received by other kids badly because they are being "different" and not molding themselves like the rest of the pack and that they may very well become the target? Or do you ignorantly allow them to be what they are and not prepare them for the potential consequences? Why would you do that to a kid? I guess my comments is coming from the People Magazine story going viral on FB right now and the school districts comments in that the child's backpack was a trigger and should be left at home. Seriously, as a mom when my kids have had their wacky ideas (and trust me there have been some that are out there) I've talked to them about when they share this with other children it may very well not be well received and could have a very negative outcome and are they prepared for it?
Trust me I'm not saying this is a bad mother, far from it. I think the school could have handled it much better, but they do have a point. He went against the norm expected of his gender and his age and the kids were uncomfortable and that's what we do when something makes us uncomfortable isn't it? Even as adults we do it. Look at half the editorials and political commentary and the battles that media journalists do about their position. They go so far as to edit film to support their position and take things out of context and they all call names. The adults bully worse than the kids but this is okay because nightly on the news broadcasts we see it, we witness it every day in the papers, there are memes out there basically ridiculing everything and everyone and that's okay because we are all adults. But guess what? The kids see it. They are patterning themselves after us, we are the teachers and if its OK for us then clearly it is OK for them isn't it? Makes you stop and wonder.
The school has a point albeit a poorly worded way of delivery and should never have been said in front of the child if it was. I'm not sure quite how that all came about. They have handled it wrong and now they are glaringly being ridiculed in the media (another form of bullying folks). So when is bullying OK? If it’s not okay then why are we doing it as adults to each other? Where does the line get drawn? It really is one of those catch 22 types of things where it’s damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I've always taken the position of I can control me, I can't control you. So it is always what I'm teaching my kids. When the incidents of bullying have happened I've told them you can let them have the power to hurt you or you can stand up for yourself and other potential victims or (and only in cases where it is strictly verbal) if you can take the verbal comments and let it go ignore them. They won't get any satisfaction when you don't respond and will stop or move onto someone else.
We also always talk about what the bully is like? Are they a kid that seems to have problems as well because oftentimes especially in young children the bullies are someone who is being victimized as well probably outside of school and their way of feeling a sense of control is to bully someone. You practice what you learn. I was approached as an adult by my school day bully and was apologized to. The reasoning was in a nutshell that she resented that even though we both were in a poor neighborhood I seemed to have more, and her circumstances and home life were less than what I had and she resented what I represented which was what she wanted. That's why I became her target. She didn't know I had my own demons that what she reflected onto me was an illusion. My life wasn't perfect I didn't have the perfect childhood or family. I hated what I went through at the time, but all the torment in school just fueled me to become more than the box they were trying to put me in. It fueled my ambition to succeed and being excellent in my work and my dealings. For all the negatives it threw into my path, thanks to my mother always using the phrase when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I have spent a good deal of my life taking the negatives thrown my way or self-imposed and making them positives. But I didn't ask people to change, I changed how I approached and handled things. I've learned through hard lessons to use my words wisely to be careful how those words are going to be received. I don't intentionally want to inflict unwanted pain on an innocent person because I'm frustrated or disappointed by something else.
Is it a perfect solution, no. But it also reminds me of a boy, that boy would tell my son to give up and go home you aren't good enough at said sport and my son almost caved and did. That led to a very heated conversation in the car after a particularly bad episode and I said, "Well are you going to let him win or are you going to work harder and prove you have just as much right to be there as anyone else?" Off season he worked his butt off preparing and improving for the next season he was relentless day in and day out to "prove" he was worthy to be there. He improved so much his coach called me aside and personally asked what had happened to make the change. So do I hate the bully, no. My son learned a lesson in earning his spot. He came back so strong that the bully didn't have anything he could say even though he tried. My son proved something not just to the bully but to himself and in subsequent conversations he's learned to have a sense of gratitude towards the bully because in its way it’s made him a better person.
So are we being too hard lined on the concept of bullying? Are there times it is acceptable because it challenges us to rise above mediocrity to something better than before? Are we blurring the lines and saying anything disagreeable is bullying? What will happen to potentially great people if they are not given some aha moment that crystallizes them to take action? We complain that kids have it too easy I hear it a lot but there is going to have to be some as I hate the term "manning up" happening and things are going to have to be challenging and they need to be challenged if they are going to be pushed to being what we see as their potential. If they can't take some bullying from peers now, what is going to happen if they join the military and go to basic training? My brother and probably most vets and servicemen will tell you their basic training drill Sargent is meaner than any person they ever encountered his job is to demoralize you and see what you are made of under pressure, they use tactics that turn men who thought they were strong into jello and then they bring them back to the soldiers we trust to serve and protect. I agree when it crosses to physical abuse it needs to be addressed and stopped and I agree that if it is doing psychological damage to the point of making someone suicidal intervention needs to happen fast and the victim needs all the support they can get. In the FB viral case the young man was being physically tormented by other students. It went past verbal. The school has handled it wrong. But I have to wonder if there isn't more blame than just the school that should be doled out. The kids doing it yes. The parents not being realistic and realizing the potential backlash coming from other kids, which may very well have started because a parent viewed it as wrong and said so in front of their child. We only know what the media presents and only certain sides as in anything there is more than one way to look at it.
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